maybe it's not me

maybe it's not me

maybe it's not my heart that's in the wrong place

searching for the unattainable

never opening up

encased in steel and ice

advancing on others with a driving force of tortured sadness 

maybe it's not my head thinking of the next move

living in paranoia 

attempting to override my heart

rationalizing the demented affairs with others

saying such horrible things to myself and actually allowing myself to believe them 

maybe it's not my body

bloated and drowning my sorrow and filling myself with my desires

consuming more despair 

outraged that i am what others want yet others don't want me

constantly telling myself that i'm the prize

looking at the mirror but never seeing what it shows

maybe it's not my words stemming from my thoughts caressing my spirit into darkness

filled with seductive deception

lips dripping with cancer

no sugar coating 

destined to hurt only myself

maybe it's not me

the tempest

i almost forgot how it felt when we kissed

what a brilliant thing

it's been so long

since nirvana was reached 

departed birds sing for forgiveness

a song which finds its way to the depths of hell

the ravenous dogs surrender their kill

to me

but 

it's just not

the same

arrogance demands the floor 

humbleness waits outside

entranced by a haze of humidity

all creatures look the same

shadows

lost

against the mist

searching for that one solid embodiment

that tangible suffix that announces my departure from your light

what could be knowledge that isn't already wisdom

alas 

there is always more to digest

multiple partners

find the right combination

lock your irreverence away

gather

for me

one last time

invoke a heavenly light show for all non believers

it is possible to be adjacent to breadth 

my recollection holds beauty

even when you were ugly

i still rejoiced in the beauty

admittedly

i now know

i was experiencing me again

when i opened my eyes

analytical chauvinism became nothing more than a hallucinogenic nostalgia 

believable patronage became the norm

seduction was simple sport to keep my skill set at a certain stasis 

one more like you and there would be no more defense 

i stood in a field during a lightening feeding frenzy for a different perspective 

a mind will harness such volumes of memories

vaults within vaults of timeless propaganda

remember

if i go home first

you were 

through

the desire

deep inside

to overthrow your own government

to allow your emotions to be slave

no more

to the commandments dictated

albeit belligerently so

by barking dogs

fit not for oversight

but more for intimidation

you've lived

as they showed you

you've accepted

as they advised you

you found yourself

in their image

the quest for acceptance is a road forgotten by those in charge of repairs

when the guardians leave their post

leave the experiences up to us

will you welcome the nectar of insanity

will you succumb to the desire of beauty

you have

what you have

but you have not relaxed enough to slip from the shackles

a gale force wind brings an alertness of biblical proportions

the warrior becomes the teacher as well as the student

pieces fall into sequences which have been attempted many times before

the fun and excitement in hiding and pretending has blown out its last candle

the flames of reluctance can not be rekindled

pushing the hair from my eyes

i 

see

you

rise

beware

the kiss

so sultry

explosive

no matter the time

no matter the place

the kiss

disarms

disguised to mollify

and your embers float about

like smoldering down

elegant in combustion

but

the kiss

this kiss

has always held

seduction

you pine for it until it returns

you completely ignore its desire

to feign desire

sans authenticity

enslave the emotional vessel that is

hope

the kiss allows the soul to smile

but the kiss is void of sincerity

a glimmer of a request for honesty always presents itself

and you give it all you have

but not too much

because it doesn't matter

in the end

this kiss is your road map

seek its counsel 

permit your instincts the indulgence of the kiss

know

what lies beneath

motivation

i now know

what i've known all along

and i'm not even concerned about it

the delicacy of satisfaction empowers me to continue

with a new spin

on

what seems to be

an ever transfiguring

ever evolving

ever revising

self

while the background noise plays its part

while the drone of the people harmonizes with the hum of continuity

the macrocosm spasms down to a microcosm

and the wisdom of the elders echoes the halls

and the taste of the sugar cube

as it melts on my lips

entices me to go

forthrigth

perfect pacifism replaces action

there is no cure for the weary

alone

in a shell

that is confined to the soul

let me just rot

away from the crowd

helping to honor the memory

counting the ways of suffocation

gently eluding

while boisterously consuming

all that will not make us better

falling from grace never looked so appealing

shedding a tear for the youth

combining passion with the fire of candles

this is the way through the mist

the trepidatious will not survive

nor will the restless of heart

the woes of the desolate will rise in the wind

allow yourself the experience from the trenches

allow yourself

not to rely on

or succumb to the fate of the damned

salute the embodiment

emulate the role model

find yourself among all the rubble

the view from here

smoke pours from my mouth

backlit in a darkened room

even the gentle giant does damage

transgressions of a cynical circle ignite longing

less than perfect attributes threaten invasion

no distinct path to action is displayed

no further communication needs to be held

awaiting the death of memories brings knowing

all to familiar fragrances permeate the atmosphere

crushing a kiss with the momentum of timidity can send tremors for weeks after

despite what was taught

beyond the veil lies the will to do better

lost in frail examples of that which does not work for me

although strength is on my side

courage

calamity nips at their heels

pricking my finger i am reminded of the pain

the torment of a silent night

the rage of apathy

lessons of loneliness linger on lipstick traces

left on napkins

wine glasses

and

faces

dance in shame when we play the game

absolute immortality illuminates the dark

from behind

while the smoke fills the room

i dare not turn

there is nothing left

confronting illusions can spawn madness

the rush is enough for me

to know

to feel 

to find comfort in 

life