Conundrum

I’m in love with a boy who loves me

I’m in love with another who doesn’t love me back

Neither loves himself enough to love me

Neither knows how to handle my love

Both of these boys lack maturity

Both of these boys can’t hang

I’m in love with a boy who loves me

I’m in love with another who doesn’t love me back

A boy I once knew

Once I knew a boy who was perfect

You see

He even knew how perfect together we’d be

But he couldn’t detach from his fears

Which immediately showed his years

Of sorrow and sadness 

He lashed out in madness

And retreated to the big mess between his ears

I’m hoping to see him again

One day when he doesn’t pretend 

That he isn’t me and I am not he

And together we both shouldn’t be

Maybe time will allow him to slow

And maybe together we’ll grow

But for now in this moment I have to be me

I have to realize what it is I can be

And that boy that I knew will grow up

Wait and see

I’m sure he’ll come back eventually 

Lullaby

Hey baby boy

I hope that you're sleeping

I hope that you're resting 

Safe and sound 

Hey baby boy

This love's like the ocean

This love's changing landscapes 

Forever unbound 

Hey baby boy

Our layers remind us

Our layers will fall

See light all around 

Hey baby boy

Fear can't control you

Fear can't withstand you

Just hold your ground 

Us

We tortured each other until there was no air left to breathe 

Our faces battered and bruised by the words we shouted

Hurling each other further down the steel pipe

Further into darkness

Unenlightening ourselves 

With each other's presence 

Forgetting you are me

And I am you

Disappointment filled our essence with the foul stench of rot

It's not dark enough yet

The emptiness

The misery

Self inflicted cries for help

As we began to resent each other

Time pulled us under the murky liquid of the swamp

We lay in the fecal matter of shame

Each thinking they did no wrong

No need for correction 

We can't even stand the sight of ourselves 

Because of who we allowed ourselves to be 

Let go

It was always more than friends 

And it was too much for you

Dueling like a Gemini 

You embraced me as you pushed me away

A feeble attempt to be what you're not

Refusing to surrender

To love

Stolen embrace

Connections

Relating

Don't let anyone see

Not even you or me

How we're stepping into love with one another

Every floor brings us closer

Pull away now

Don't stop

Beware the cameras

Everybody's eyes are on us

But you don't care

Isn't that right

Maybe in ten years

We'll try again

Walking

What if I wanted to kiss you

To taste your lips

What if I wanted to melt with your being

And become one with you

Together feeling the honesty 

Would you divorce your ego

Would you allow gratitude to become a lifestyle choice

We pride ourselves on new experiences

We pride ourselves on truth

We speak differently than we act

Intuition is masked as ego

By the ego

For the ego

Imprisonment 

We both fall

Yet the cry for freedom is audible in the depths of the soul

The aching of a desireless heart begs to be polluted with love

And we

You and me

Me and thee

Repel ourselves by denying each other 

Lifetimes

I met a boy

(I always meet a boy)

And I filled my head with thoughts of us

Because thoughts of us were all there were 

(Even when there was no us)

There is no us 

(There will never be any us)

But there could've been 

If he was open

But he was closed off

(They're always closed off)

Never wanting to take a chance on love

So here I sit

Deep in thought

Hoping the next time won't be like the last

And I try my best

(I always try)

To start each meeting fresh

But you see this boy

(It's always this boy)

He's always been a part of me

And when we finally reconnect

After lifetimes of separation 

The excitement can't be contained

And I tell myself

(I try to believe)

That this time I won't catch feelings 

But every time I meet a boy

(It's always this particular boy)

I end up right back where I started